Robot Wars Battle Of The Stars 2016 Part 4: Five Second Throwdown

We’ve had one round of fixtures. Kadeena Machina and Soldier Ant are on top, having taken 3 and 2 points respectively. Dee and Robo Savage are still stuck on zero, but there is a long time left for them to turn it around.

The first fight of the second round is between Robo Savage and Soldier ant. A chance for Robo Savage to finally get some points on the board? Or for Soldier Ant to further their chances of getting into the final. Your house robot for this particular battle is femme fatale Matilda, and we’re ready to begin!

Soldier Ant is the first robot to make a move, taking aim at Robo Savage- which is pretty much stationary, waiting. The two robots collide, but Soldier Ant backed away just in time to miss RS’ flipper. An even start, and either robot could well win the battle. Robo Savage go in to flip again, but again the strike is off target, and now Soldier Ant have their chance. They get in underneath Robo Savage’s side and bring the crusher down.

Crush and Awe.png
Crush and Awe

Soldier Ant now have them pinned, but they can’t pin them for long. The claw comes up, but then back down again. Then up, and back down. Now instead of having them by the side, Soldier Ant have them by their rear end, just behind the flipper, and have them hoisted into the air. Robo Savage are in a bad spot.

Crush And Lift.png
Crush and Lift

Eventually though, Soldier Ant have to let them go, but not before pushing them around the arena for a bit. Robo Savage make sure to get out of there as quickly as possible, especially now with Matilda sniffing around them. Soldier Ant try to go back in for another attack, but Robo Savage get them off guard, and finally land their first flip in the contest. Soldier Ant topple over, and now they’re in trouble. The claw won’t self right them, and Robo Savage won’t give them an inch. To all intents and purposes, Soldier Ant are out.

Toppled Giant.png
Toppled giant

Robo Savage leave Soldier Ant to roast on the arena flame pit for a while as the clock ticks down, but it’ll be 3 points to the Savage. As is tradition, Matilda then comes in to have some fun with the Soldier Ant. After tossing it back over with the ferocious lifting tusks, Matilda then drives Soldier Ant all the way across the arena and tosses it against the side wall. Well and truly game over.

Wrath of Matilda.png
Wrath of Matilda

Except, it isn’t, because Soldier Ant then start going after Matilda! I swear Matilda must be having Razer flashbacks at this point, because yet another crusher is coming after her, intent on causing harm. Matilda is older and wiser these days though, and successfully manages to navigate Soldier Ant into the pit. NOW it’s game over.

So onto battle number 4, Kadeena Machina vs. Dee. Top vs. bottom. Vertical Spinner vs. full body spinner (of sorts). You house robot here is Sir Killalot, the demon of darkness inside the arena.

Dee is the first to make a move, going straight for Kadeena Machina. Straight for Kadeena Machina, and straight for Kadeena Machina’s giant vertical spinner. One of the exposed wheels on Dee makes contact with the spinner, and the entire pink thwackbot is flung into the air, torn apart. It’s over in all of 5 seconds.


Dee can still move in circles, but that’s going to get it nowhere, and so it’s very quickly counted out. Killalot comes over and lofts Dee high into the air, before taking them across the arena, where they are promptly dumped into the pit.

Living nightmare.png
Living Nightmare

So here we stand. With just one fight left each of the H2Hs, Kadeena Machina has already guaranteed a place in the final. Dee is also officially out, but it’s a tossup between Robo Savage and Soldier Ant as to who will take the second grand final place.

First up is Dee vs. Robo Savage. With Dee being a completely invertible robot, Robo Savage would likely have to hope to put them down the pit or out of the arena. Dee on the other hand… Well they just have to hope for divine intervention. Your house robot is Dead Metal, aka the hedgehog of destruction. Let’s begin!

Things start off fairly tame, both robots seemingly trying to avoid each other. De is spinning on the spot, as usual, whilst Robo Savage is just kinda driving around. Dee kind of strikes the first hit, and the second, but it’s more just them driving into Robo Savage than actually striking a blow. Robo Savage haven’t even fired the flipper yet. Dee come in with another attack, and now the flipper does fire! But there’s a problem, because it doesn’t go all the way back down. So now we have a flipper that can’t really flip anything.

Dee, despite looking fairly good, is not the easiest of robots to control. Not really. So now they’re just twisting and turning somewhere in the corner. Robo Savage join them, and between the two of them they start to give Dead Metal the run-around.

Metal Madness.png
Metal madness

Dee then decides to chill on the flame pit for a bit, because we all know the flame pit isn’t actually going to do anything to these robots. Robo Savage has still done a grand total of fuck all, even when the opportunities present themselves. One collision does produce some wonderful sparks though. Robot Savage almost looks on the ropes the further the fight goes on, and even though Dee is still batshit crazy unstable, mainly because now one of the tyres has gone flat, but it’s making more of a move than RS is. But nobody can hit a killer blow, and it’s going to the judges.

So, ladies and gentlemen, your winner by split decision, and the proud claimant of 2 points is…


Upon hearing the decision, the entire control booth goes ballistic. Robbie Savage and his friends are up in arms, protesting the decision with everything they have. The two teams weren’t agreeing on who were the aggressors anyway, but now the room is split in two. Team Dee are celebrating wildly, and team Robo Savage can’t believe it. All in all though, it makes for some great television.

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Control booth madness

There is still one more fight left of the H2HS though, one that now has a big bearing on who is going to make it through into the grand final. Kadeena Machina are already through, but now Soldier Ant have a fantastic opportunity to go through themselves. But that means defeating the undefeated, and a robot that took Dee out in 5 seconds flat.

Your house robot is Sir Killalot, and let us begin!
Soldier Ant start the more aggressive, but still wary of the flywheel. It’s almost a tiptoe, trying to get round the back and sides of Kadeena Machina, to get to the exposed armour panels and bring the crushing claw down whilst avoiding the disc. Kadeena Machina isn’t having it though, and continuously manages to evade the attacks, though it takes a while for KM to land a blow of their own. The disc makes some nice sparks, but doesn’t seem to do particularly much to Soldier Ant. Nothing that would trouble them quite yet…

Now Soldier Ant feel like they can really go for it. Kadeena Machina not only has free armour panels to try and get through, but also some very exposed tyres. Then again, they all had exposed tyres really, though Soldier Ant’s are possibly the best protected here.

And with that said, Kadeena Machina’s next attack slices straight through one of Soldier Ant’s wheels. Inevitable, I suppose.

Broken Dreams.png
Broken dreams

Soldier Ant can now only move in circles, naturally, and are sitting ducks. Kadeena Machina come in for another attack and tear the claw itself in two. Now Soldier Ant don’t just have to contend with having no mobility, but they have no weaponry either. It’s not a great surprise that they start to be counted out, and their run on Robot Wars Battle of the Stars 2016 starts to come to a close.

Just to finish things off from a practical standpoint, Kadeena Machina comes in for one last attack and tears the removable link out of the robot. If they weren’t dead before, then they damn well are now.


And because things wouldn’t be complete without the house robots getting involved, Killalot picks Soldier Ant up, then dumps them straight out of the arena, where they start leaking fluid. Because why not?

So, the final. Kadeena Machina vs. Robo Savage. Spinner vs. flipper. Only one’s going to come out on top, but Robo Savage are going to need one hell of a performance to defeat the undefeated, and a robot that took them apart with consummate ease in their first fight. Still, anything can happen in Robot Wars.

Apparently feeling rather generous for the GF, we have TWO house robots in the arena. Shunt and Sir Killalot are your guardians of the robot realm. Let’s get this Grand Final underway!

Like all good machines that have come up against Kadeena Machina before, and know what they’re up against, Robo Savage instantly retreat. They retreat, and then they try to stay away. But Kadeena Machina is having none of it, and goes on the offensive. Robo Savage is not the most manoeuvrable, and even they cannot run away forever. KM come in and land their first blow with a *savage* hit that leaves Robo Savage with a torn and buckled armour panel, and only half a tyre. Ah, the curse of the tyres. It’s strike one to the spinner.

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One for the scrap pile

There is no need to take any prisoners, for this is the grand final, and Kadeena Machina takes none. They come in again, and again, and Robo Savage is now nothing more than scrap metal on the arena floor. Of course, things would not be complete if Jordan Stephens didn’t come in, right at the end, just to rub it in Robbie Savage’s face. Sportsmanship? Who needs sportsmanship?

Meanwhile, Shunt and Sir Killalot are now double teaming the remains of Robo Savage like some kind of mechanical gangbang. Killalot takes over, eventually, and starts chargrilling them over the open fire. A fitting end I think.


And so there we have it! Kadeena Machina is the winner of the second Robot Wars: Battle of the Stars 2016, joining Arena Cleaner in the winner’s circle. Would be interesting had the two winners fought- I know my money would have been on Arena Cleaner, but it could easily have gone either way. We shall never know.

And so that concludes this little segment. I’ll be back soon, not sure when exactly because I have exams and Uni and stuff, but soon. Until then…



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